The recording of Sibelius Symphony No.2 ended and tears were in my eyes. "I'm not a horn player any more, I will never play that piece again" was the thought in my mind as I wiped my face.

It is the first time that this has happened to me since I quit playing. It is rather remarkable, really, that it hasn't happened, sooner, stronger, more often, and more painfully. I love the orchestra more passionately than any other form of human expression ever invented. I worked with all my soul and energy at being the best orchestral musician I could be for no less than 20 years. Then I quit, almost overnight.

The sadness that Sibelius has released within me is not regret, however. That, I have not felt, and nor do I believe I ever will. The life that I am living now is exciting and rewarding, and I am not disconnected from the music that makes my senses burn.